If the Old Me Could See Me Now; A Sobriety Story

2020 was a rough year for most of us, but it is when I decided to say goodbye to a beloved friend. One that knew me better than anyone else and that I could count on in times of celebration or hardship.

For years, I used alcohol as a means to have "fun" and it wasn't until after I ended the relationship I had with it did I realize just how toxic it had become in my life.

In high school it began as a way to fit in, to socialize and "look cool". Then I used it as a tool to induce a good time and more easily express myself. As life went on it becomes a way to relax or unwind and a way to connect and bond with others. Unknowingly, alcohol served purpose at each stage.

But when I began my wellness journey, I noticed it ran much deeper than that. There were underlying beliefs and past traumas I used alcohol to avoid or numb. It is a way to forget what was heavy for a time, and let loose in the present. I had also experienced negative physical effects of alcohol like anxiety, worsening depression symptoms, mood disorders, memory loss, weight gain, migraines, chronic inflammation, and more. I started being more mindful of when I "needed" a drink and became more aware of WHY I was really reaching for the glass...

We aren't taught in school, by our parents, or in society how to truly feel and express our thoughts and emotions. Everyone experiences things in life that morph them, that create their reality, and impact their thoughts about themselves and the world around them. In a way, alcohol is something we can all "have in common" and I think that is one of the reasons so many use it frequently.

Alcohol can help us suppress deep feelings and painful past experiences or express self confidence and shake limiting beliefs. For many it is a way to cope; to get by without doing the internal work and self discovery it takes to grow as a person. It becomes part of their identity and it's normalized by many. We can "fit in" with societal standards and not worry too much about what's hidden beneath the surface of our subconscious.

Old me was the party girl. The fun one. I could make a fool out of myself and never remember it. I didn't have to feel the weight of the stress life was placing on me or think about any negative emotions I hadn't processed. Alcohol made me likeable. Drinking helped me forget.

But new me, sober Sarah I like to call her, has put in the work. She has dedicated time and energy to excavating old thoughts that aren't serving her any longer. She waded through ponds of emotions she had pushed away for years, while only allowing the "positive" ones to come out. She took a deep dive into WHY she was the way she was, closely examining beliefs, feelings, family dynamics, repeating patterns, self depleting habits, and missed opportunities for personal evolution, more meaningful connections, and overall life improvement.

For some, I know this sounds like a daunting task. To look deep within and bring to the surface the parts of yourself or your past you just want to bury forever. I can assure you that as difficult as it is sometimes, it will be the most rewarding work you'll ever do. To finally be freed from all the burdens of the past that weigh you down, that you carry with you and continue to allow to affect the present. To truly understand, accept, forgive, and love yourself is a gift.

Today, I am empowered by my emotions because I now know they are a compass. I am more deeply connected to my intuition; discernment and clarity come more easily. I have strong core values and take action in supporting my beliefs. I am stronger mentally and physically and more compassionate, open, and receptive.

By writing this article, I offer you a new outlook on the relationship you have with yourself; truly it's the most important one you'll ever work on, so put in the effort, you'll never regret it.

*Below are a few helpful articles I wanted to share if you are sober curious or want to know more about how alcohol negatively impacts your life.

Affects of alcohol on health

Mental health and alcohol

Sobriety and what to expect